Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The other path

In addition to the miscarriages and all the heartbreak that that entails, Dr. Z and I were also on the road to adoption.
It was a very difficult decision for us to make, both to decide to go down that road and to stop the process once I had a pregnancy that stuck. For me, it was always about being someone's mum, not giving birth but, Z and I realized, once the baby stayed, that from a practical standpoint (monetary, physically and emotionally), adoption would have to be put on hold. Which it has been at this point.
Who knows what the future might bring? Maybe the next child we welcome into this home (as we would like more than one), will not have us as its birth parents. Families are created in so many ways these days that I am always open to the idea of adopting.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

From the Top

In December 2009 I finally got pregnant and stayed. It was at once the most fantastic and terrifying moment of my life.
After over a year of miscarriages, chemical pregnancies, shots for this pills for that, there was the strong line that tells you, minutes after peeing on it, that you have a life growing inside you. The beauty and wonder of all that entails being discovered from something as basic as going to the bathroom never fails to surprise me. Ah, the power of the pee.
To catch you up. Dr. Z and I had gotten pregnant every time, and lost every time. The buns weren't sticky and the consequences were getting dire for me. September 2009 marked a seriously downward moment for me. I returned to England to try to recuperate and almost stayed there things got so bad.
But, back I came and a couple of very interesting things happened.
The first was the Brenda Strong Yoga 4 Fertility class. Brenda's four-week class not only started me back on a course of healthy living, but enabled me to step back mentally into a head space I hadn't inhabited for a long time. That of being a whole person without having to have given birth. That four week class gave me a lesson I will keep for the rest of my life. I am a person, and I can be a mother whether or not I give birth. And, in order for me to be a good mother to a baby, I had to be a good mother to myself.
The second interesting thing was a course of acupuncture that I undertook with a doctor in Santa Monica. Her ministrations were swift and bloody painful at times, but that amazing buzzing, throbbing, electrifying sensation that comes with acupuncture set my body back into its natural rhythms, something that hadn't happened in a long time.
So, fully yoga-ed and pin pricked up, I got pregnant. We weren't really supposed to try but, impatient as always I decided I wanted to do it. I called doctor #3 who gave me the OK and off we went.

I found out I was pregnant on the day after probably the most stressful moment in my career here in Los Angeles. I was doing major damage control and suddenly found myself at two holiday parties in one day miserable as all heck and in no mood to be there. I was antsy for Sunday to come so I could break open the First Response (my particular favorite - call it superstition) and find out the news.

Next day dawned and out came the stick. One quick pee later and there it was. The line every woman dreads or desires. The line that says more than any words, that is more beautiful than any painting in any gallery, that is more scary than any movie, that gives more hope than a thousand speeches from the most eloquent orators in the world. The line that makes all the difference. And mine was calling to me from deep within. I'm here.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Where Have I Been? Or More Importantly, Who Have I Been

It's been a long, long time friends. And I mean a long long time. Judging from my profile picture I am sure you have probably guessed. Yup, I had a baby.
From my last post to now is going to take some catching up on but let it be known that Dr. Z and I became parents in August to a baby boy. What a difference a year makes, as the old saying goes.

I have not checked the blog in a long time too. When I found out I was pregnant I went into that place that I think many people who have problems getting (or staying) there go. I got superstitious. I was scared, I admit it. I went into a place that meant I was fearful to read what I had written, afraid of what had happened over the last year or so. I just couldn't look at the pain, the grief, the lows that just couldn't get any lower.

To recap. And it will need more than just a recap, I promise, but to recap, Dr. Z and I started the adoption process, and we got pregnant. The classic scenario I hear. But apparently that is all a myth. I found out on December 14th. A day I will never forget. I peed on a stick and there it was - a big, bold line telling me what I wanted to see. And then I got petrified. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I couldn't do anything.

I had also changed doctor's and was now at the more accessible Beverly Hills with another amazing, wonderful specialist who ran tests and got me back on the protocol we used before.

But to be brief, there it was, the dark line telling me what I wanted to know. And now, lying in a little crib close by, right now, there's a little guy telling me he's hungry.

It feels great to be back. Things are gonna be different around here.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year!!!

I can't believe this is another year of Cramper...hopefully it will be the last!
I declare 2o1o will be a better year for everyone, whatever they desire.
Love you all,

Monday, December 7, 2009

Raining in my heart

I am sitting at my desk and watching the grey blur that passes for the outside and thinking a lot.

The first thing I'm thinking is who says LA doesn't have seasons? But the second thing is a bit more serious I suppose.

Since Dr. Z and I decided to adopt I feel there is a better sense of calm descended upon Casa di Isenberg. We are kind of getting into the sad groove of his unemployment and I am trying not to nag to much about his current status.

The PR is going great and I like my work, but the reality is, I feel there is a hole in my heart where a baby should be.

I feel a little like the work, the socializing, the cleaning, the whatever it is, is just window dressing, busy work until the babe comes along.

There is an element of unreality to life while we are in this holding pattern. There is a certain need for me to cling on to my routine while the clock slowly ticks and the days slowly pass.
I'm like a cave with a dark and gloomy inside with the light, shiny world above as my face and my voice.

I have to get together the two elements - the light and shiny outer world and burrow in. I know it and so does Dr. Z because he sees me with my head on the kitchen table making the marble wet. But it is so, so hard.

So I guess I am loving the grey blur outside because for once, LA is exactly how I am feeling.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

See Isenberg PR in Action

Just a quick note to say I am featured in LA Yoga Mag December/January Issue! I am pegged as the "aspiring mother" in their holiday gift guide. I will post the page when I get it scanned. It is really nice to be able to share the idea that infertility and miscarriage is not a dirty word and cramper is mentioned!
If you get the chance pick up a copy at your local LA yoga studio.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Giving Thanks Etc. Year 2

I can't believe a whole year has gone by since the first miscarriage.
So much has happened since then, not all of it good, not all of it bad.
Going back to England was amazing. The green, the fields, the family, the food. All very, very good and nourishing for the soul.
I didn't want to come back after the warmth of my family, but I did, and it is still good. Just a different kind of good....
I finally got my period the day I returned to the US and I have been on a good trajectory ever since. Very regular, thanks for asking.
But, because of the nature of our year, the amount of pain, the grieving and so on, Z and I have decided to do something we were going to do anyway - we are going to adopt.
We have signed up and now we are ploughing our way through paperwork, fingerprints, honestudies, all the fun stuff. I guess I feel that I want to be a mom more than I want to give birth. I just have so much to give and no one to give it to.
Friends are having babies like the fruit falling from the trees and I just see this time of year as such place of abundance - I want to be a part of it!
We have been warned that the process can take up to two years. But that's okay. I know our soul is on its way in one way or the other.
I am thankful to this year in some ways. Even though I got laid off, had three miscarriages and my husband hasn't been working for two months....I feel I have grown as a person, I have met some wonderful people who have helped me immeasurably, I am learning (slowly) to be a business owner and I am finally, FINALLY getting back in shape.
After the last m/c I decided to channel my energy into something more productive than obsessively looking at fertility websites, so I decided to run the LA Marathon.
I am now well into my training and completed a 20-mile run on Saturday - woo hoo!
So I should say thank you. Just for what I have learned and for who I am now. So, sucky 2009. Thanks.