The other path

In addition to the miscarriages and all the heartbreak that that entails, Dr. Z and I were also on the road to adoption.

It was a very difficult decision for us to make, both to decide to go down that road and to stop the process once I had a pregnancy that stuck. For me, it was always about being someone's mum, not giving birth but, Z and I realized, once the baby stayed, that from a practical standpoint (monetary, physically and emotionally), adoption would have to be put on hold. Which it has been at this point.

Who knows what the future might bring? Maybe the next child we welcome into this home (as we would like more than one), will not have us as its birth parents. Families are created in so many ways these days that I am always open to the idea of adopting.

From the Top

In December 2009 I finally got pregnant and stayed. It was at once the most fantastic and terrifying moment of my life.

After over a year of miscarriages, chemical pregnancies, shots for this pills for that, there was the strong line that tells you, minutes after peeing on it, that you have a life growing inside you. The beauty and wonder of all that entails being discovered from something as basic as going to the bathroom never fails to surprise me. Ah, the power of the pee.

To catch you up. Dr. Z and I had gotten pregnant every time, and lost every time. The buns weren't sticky and the consequences were getting dire for me. September 2009 marked a seriously downward moment for me. I returned to England to try to recuperate and almost stayed there things got so bad.

But, back I came and a couple of very interesting things happened.

The first was the Brenda Strong Yoga 4 Fertility class. Brenda's four-week class not only started me back on a course of healthy living, but enabled me to step back mentally into a head space I hadn't inhabited for a long time. That of being a whole person without having to have given birth. That four week class gave me a lesson I will keep for the rest of my life. I am a person, and I can be a mother whether or not I give birth. And, in order for me to be a good mother to a baby, I had to be a good mother to myself.

The second interesting thing was a course of acupuncture that I undertook with a doctor in Santa Monica. Her ministrations were swift and bloody painful at times, but that amazing buzzing, throbbing, electrifying sensation that comes with acupuncture set my body back into its natural rhythms, something that hadn't happened in a long time.

So, fully yoga-ed and pin pricked up, I got pregnant. We weren't really supposed to try but, impatient as always I decided I wanted to do it. I called doctor #3 who gave me the OK and off we went.

I found out I was pregnant on the day after probably the most stressful moment in my career here in Los Angeles. I was doing major damage control and suddenly found myself at two holiday parties in one day miserable as all heck and in no mood to be there. I was antsy for Sunday to come so I could break open the First Response (my particular favorite - call it superstition) and find out the news.

Next day dawned and out came the stick. One quick pee later and there it was. The line every woman dreads or desires. The line that says more than any words, that is more beautiful than any painting in any gallery, that is more scary than any movie, that gives more hope than a thousand speeches from the most eloquent orators in the world. The line that makes all the difference. And mine was calling to me from deep within. I'm here.

Where Have I Been? Or More Importantly, Who Have I Been

It's been a long, long time friends. And I mean a long long time. Judging from my profile picture I am sure you have probably guessed. Yup, I had a baby.

From my last post to now is going to take some catching up on but let it be known that Dr. Z and I became parents in August to a baby boy. What a difference a year makes, as the old saying goes.

I have not checked the blog in a long time too. When I found out I was pregnant I went into that place that I think many people who have problems getting (or staying) there go. I got superstitious. I was scared, I admit it. I went into a place that meant I was fearful to read what I had written, afraid of what had happened over the last year or so. I just couldn't look at the pain, the grief, the lows that just couldn't get any lower.

To recap. And it will need more than just a recap, I promise, but to recap, Dr. Z and I started the adoption process, and we got pregnant. The classic scenario I hear. But apparently that is all a myth. I found out on December 14th. A day I will never forget. I peed on a stick and there it was - a big, bold line telling me what I wanted to see. And then I got petrified. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I couldn't do anything.

I had also changed doctor's and was now at the more accessible Beverly Hills with another amazing, wonderful specialist who ran tests and got me back on the protocol we used before.

But to be brief, there it was, the dark line telling me what I wanted to know. And now, lying in a little crib close by, right now, there's a little guy telling me he's hungry.

It feels great to be back. Things are gonna be different around here.

Happy New Year!!!

I can't believe this is another year of Cramper...hopefully it will be the last!

I declare 2o1o will be a better year for everyone, whatever they desire.

Love you all,

Lizzie

xoxo

Raining in my heart

I am sitting at my desk and watching the grey blur that passes for the outside and thinking a lot.

The first thing I'm thinking is who says LA doesn't have seasons? But the second thing is a bit more serious I suppose.

Since Dr. Z and I decided to adopt I feel there is a better sense of calm descended upon Casa di Isenberg. We are kind of getting into the sad groove of his unemployment and I am trying not to nag to much about his current status.

The PR is going great and I like my work, but the reality is, I feel there is a hole in my heart where a baby should be.

I feel a little like the work, the socializing, the cleaning, the whatever it is, is just window dressing, busy work until the babe comes along.

There is an element of unreality to life while we are in this holding pattern. There is a certain need for me to cling on to my routine while the clock slowly ticks and the days slowly pass.

I'm like a cave with a dark and gloomy inside with the light, shiny world above as my face and my voice.

I have to get together the two elements - the light and shiny outer world and burrow in. I know it and so does Dr. Z because he sees me with my head on the kitchen table making the marble wet. But it is so, so hard.

So I guess I am loving the grey blur outside because for once, LA is exactly how I am feeling.

See Isenberg PR in Action

Just a quick note to say I am featured in LA Yoga Mag December/January Issue! I am pegged as the "aspiring mother" in their holiday gift guide. I will post the page when I get it scanned. It is really nice to be able to share the idea that infertility and miscarriage is not a dirty word and cramper is mentioned!

If you get the chance pick up a copy at your local LA yoga studio.

Giving Thanks Etc. Year 2

I can't believe a whole year has gone by since the first miscarriage.

So much has happened since then, not all of it good, not all of it bad.

Going back to England was amazing. The green, the fields, the family, the food. All very, very good and nourishing for the soul.

I didn't want to come back after the warmth of my family, but I did, and it is still good. Just a different kind of good....

I finally got my period the day I returned to the US and I have been on a good trajectory ever since. Very regular, thanks for asking.

But, because of the nature of our year, the amount of pain, the grieving and so on, Z and I have decided to do something we were going to do anyway - we are going to adopt.

We have signed up and now we are ploughing our way through paperwork, fingerprints, honestudies, all the fun stuff. I guess I feel that I want to be a mom more than I want to give birth. I just have so much to give and no one to give it to.

Friends are having babies like the fruit falling from the trees and I just see this time of year as such place of abundance - I want to be a part of it!

We have been warned that the process can take up to two years. But that's okay. I know our soul is on its way in one way or the other.

I am thankful to this year in some ways. Even though I got laid off, had three miscarriages and my husband hasn't been working for two months....I feel I have grown as a person, I have met some wonderful people who have helped me immeasurably, I am learning (slowly) to be a business owner and I am finally, FINALLY getting back in shape.

After the last m/c I decided to channel my energy into something more productive than obsessively looking at fertility websites, so I decided to run the LA Marathon.

I am now well into my training and completed a 20-mile run on Saturday - woo hoo!

So I should say thank you. Just for what I have learned and for who I am now. So, sucky 2009. Thanks.

Going Away

Today is the day before I go home back to England for two weeks...

I finally decided to go about two weeks' ago when I had just about had enough with the whole back and forth to the baby doctor.

I feel like I need a break from the endless cycle of blood tests and waiting. I need fish and chips and curry sauce, Indian food, Coronation Street (a TV soap) and a laugh with my friends like I get in England. And, while I love, love, LOVE my life in LA, sometimes you just gotta get back to the old 'hood.

The period STILL hasn't come. At this point I have forgotten what a period is. It is over three months since I had one.

The Methotrexate seemed to do its job. I bled for about two weeks on and off. Now it's just another waiting game. Might as well do it in the rain and cold than in 100 degree heat, right?

Plus, I have changed doctor - AGAIN. While my last doc was fabbo, driving 40 miles there and back on the 405 and 101 (for the uninitiated trying to get around on these two freeways makes navigating the lower rings of Dante's inferno look like bumper cars at the fair) was getting too much. Doc 4 is in nicely civilized Bev Hills....Very powsh as we say in Stockport.

As always, the other parts of my life are going great. I just signed a new client - go Isenberg PR! She's a celeb with a lot of expertise in helping women in the infertility field. Intriguing hmmmm?? Watch out for some cool info on her in the coming months....

I have also joined a running club. I realized that my true love is still running, even though I've been doing it since I was nine, so I signed up for a club and we practice every week - typical that I am off to England as soon as I start. But, I will be running there and loving the fact that I don't have third degree sunburn when I get back.

And today is Labor Day - so we get a day off! Except Dr Z does not and I will be eating a steak and some corn without him for a bit. Roll on the barbeque!

So I think Cramper may be on hiatus for a little while.....keep checking in but Dr. Z and I have decided that a wait is probably on the cards. After three miscarriages in less than a year and a bunch of other complications, I feel my body needs to rest and get back to as normal as possible.

Love you.

E

xo

Down Down Down

Another trip to the doctor. This time panic was starting to kick in at casa di Isenberg. My hcg level, while frighteningly high at 600 last week, shot up to 1500 this week. The doctor's office made me come in immediately.

Luckily, my husband's show isn't doing too great (if that can be seen as a "luckily") which meant he had some time on his hands and he could come with me. What a difference going to the doctor's is when you are not alone.

So, yesterday, we troop back up to Thousand Oaks for another ultrasound. The doctor - not my usual but just as lovely as my usual - took me into the theater with my Dr. Z hovering around.

He dimmed the lights and of course, nothing. Which is also a bad sign. Which could mean I have an eptopic pregnancy. Not good.

However, thanks to the drugs swimming around my system, killing anything inside me, the chances of anything nasty happening (like the eptopic rupturing) are almost impossible. Almost.

Plus, Dr. Nice #2 doesn't seem to think it even is an eptopic. They just put me on "eptopic watch" to be on the safe side. It made me feel like a panda at the zoo on mating watch...Will they do it? Won't they? Come on, slow-to-mate, China-dwelling bears, do it for us! We need more black-and-white fluffy animals in the world that exist on bamboo and look super cute.

So here I am, on eptopic watch. Chewing slowly on a piece of food, staring balefully at the computer and wishing everything would just go away.

GREAT P.S - whether it was or wasn't the great news is, the numbers fell to 1100. Going back on Monday to check it is continuing to drop - it better had be or I'm emigrating to China. Or the zoo.

Time To Go Home

I have been feeling very disengaged with life recently, like I was just working and living and that was it. So, I have decided to take back some control.

After I found out the not-great news last week, I was slightly hysterical and slightly crazed but, looking back this may have been a good thing.

The blood I passed MAY have been the tissue that needed to go. The hormone drop COULD have been the because the tissue was passing. I have to get my blood levels checked again tomorrow and we will know.

I have been taking fabulous yoga for fertility classes with Brenda Strong and she said something wonderful to me on Sunday.

She said: "Maybe your body is telling you something and you need to listen. Maybe you need a rest from the constant trying, trying, trying and you need to just stop and let your body adjust."

Her words soothed me so much. I realized that I was just on a chugging train that was getting me nowhere fast and I had to get off, have a cup of tea and enjoy the scenery at one of the many stations on the way.

In addition, I feel I have been punishing myself by not seeing my family. So, I will be leaving LA for Manchester on September 8th for two weeks. It has been three years almost since I saw all my family and more than that since I saw most of my friends.

We can't afford it. I am working freelance and so is my husband but right now, the trip is more important than saving cash for a rainy day.

Like I said in my last blog. It ain't even raining any more. It's p-ing down. So I think that day is here.

See y'all in Blighty!

Too much to handle

Why does it never rain? I feel like the world is currently pissing bad luck all over my fertility.

As you know, Tuesday I went up to the docs and my HCG levels were funky funky - up to 600 after being down to 15.

So they gave me a shot of Methotrexate. This stuff is normally given to women who have eptopic pregnancies but, because they felt there was placental tissue running around inside me, they thought it best to use the drug to break down whatever was going on.

What I didn't know was that we can't even think about trying to get pregnant again until December. That will make me just 6 months away from 37 and this feels like a weird backwards move that will ultimately land us nowhere.

I can't help feeling that I am moving further and further away. At first it was "just a miscarriage", then it was "just a chemical pregnancy". Then, there were the fibroids. Get rid of them and it will be okay. We do that. Then it is the drugs, the pills and the progesterone. Just another miscarriage. Now there is tissue and we have to wait until the drugs comes through my system.

Another bleeding has started and, apparently, this is the second part of the miscarriage. So my period won't even be back for another two months, according to the doc's office.

Today, I just want to lie down and cry. I feel my chances are getting slimmer by the day.

A Big Pain in the Ass

A while has passed again since I posted. I guess I feel with every passing month the opportunity to get pregnant slips away, too.

Since June I have been dealing with the never ending miscarriage. First I took Misoprostil and had a period (I thought), but the pesky HcG never went down.

Now after having a strange moment in time where the level went from 15 to 39 it went up to a massive 600 today. I actually had the feeling that I might be pregnant again but no, my new doctor did an ultrasound and there was nothing but some placental tissue making my life difficult.

You see, that's what happens. If the bloody placenta (pun intended), hangs around inside the body then it just keeps pumping out those hormones and I never have a period. In fact, I have been having this miscarriage now since June 1st - my birthday.

So, today, at the doctor's, I had MORE blood tests and two lovely shots of Methotrexate to get it all out of my system and hopefully, get my body back.

To be honest, I am feeling tired and weary of this. I no longer feel like a functioning woman. No period = no pregnancy = no hopes of being pregnant. I am so over it at this point.

Luckily for me, I am also in the hands of a fabulous acupuncturist who has put me on somewhat of a hardcore diet (no sugar - ugh!) and is trying to get my body back. I hope someone can because I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job.

No excuse

There really is no excuse for spending so much time away from the blog, but I think I just felt done with feeling crummy for a while.

I guess my partial excuse was that my mum was in town until last week and I didn't really have a free moment. But it is 4.24 a.m so I guess I did if you count the moments that make up a long, dragged-out night.

Plus NOTHING has been happening. But even nothing is something, right?

This has been the longest miscarriage of all time. I have a period after the fainting incident of earlier in July and go back to see my doctor. When I arrive (a good 40 minutes' drive away), I was told to come back when my levels were back to normal. Back to normal!!! But I've just had a period, I think. Well, looks like that one didn't count and my hCG is somewhere around 47. So, back to the blood tests I go and up until today I am still not fully back to zero.

I have to go back when the test is at zero or after a period - whichever comes faster. By the way I am feeling right now - not sleeping, paranoid, depressed, bloated - I think we all know what' s coming faster.

I just want to get back onto a regular cycle and get back on the horse part 4. Though, I have to say, the longer this is taking, the more dislocated I am feeling. I am like two people. Miscarriage Lizzie and Relatively Normal Lizzie. I wonder if other people have this weird detachment between miscarriages where they go back to some form of normal? I mean, I am still on temporary hiatus from any baby showers, talking too much about babies, looking at pregnant women, but I am not the crazy person I am during those weeks around the pregnancies.

Let me know if this is normal - please!

Long Time, No Write

I'm sorry for the delay in my latest post...My mum has been visiting from the UK and I kind of got caught up in all the things you have to do when someone is here.

But, here's a brief rundown in the life of the crazy lady with the miscarriage addiction!

First off, the new doc was really great. I went, I got tested here, there and everywhere and, by some point this week we will know if there are any chromosomal problems between me and Dr. Z.

I am also grateful for the fact that his nurses help, call back and generally make you feel like they have a clue what is going on in my insides.

Also, this new doc feels I am not a hopeless case and, in fact, am probably not too bad in the scheme of things....just keeping those little suckers in there is what we have to concentrate on.

The two major problems this month have been my teeth and the product inside me which refused to budge.

The toofs have been really getting me down of late - thanks not being great at cleaning in the 1980's (said to myself)....I now have more fillings than a French bakery and a lot of pain.

I had one root canal two weeks' ago and now I have to have another. In the tooth right next to it. Living on Ibuprofen is no joke. Though it could be a good hit for Bon Jovi as they approach their older years. So, I have to go in on Tuesday to see my lovely endodontist who will hopefully put an end to my misery. I asked one of the technicians in his office if I could have them all out and dentures...ha ha ha. I love to pull a leg or two.

The product inside...ahhh how I love the word "product". Basically it means that there was still a little of the miscarriage inside me, just hanging around and keeping those pesky hormone levels up. The lovely new doc suggested Misoprostol (remember that? It is the vaginally inserted pill that gives contractions?) to clean out my insides.

So, I took it last Thursday and, woke last Friday, went to the loo, felt weird and passed out, sitting on the toilet, onto Dr Z's (ample) belly. Twice. Ahh, the thrills, the spills. Then the painkillers had me vomiting all day long. So, it was a truly delightful experience all round. Thank God my mum was here to take care of me...And dogs to look at me all day.

The really great part of all this is that my period started on Tuesday, so, I will be back at the doc's on Tuesday for a check and possibly another saline what's it. Then, it's back to town to get the tooth seen to. Now, I'm wondering if it will all be a bit too much in one day....

Whatever happens, we should be back to thinking about horsing around in the next few weeks.

What's Up, Doc?

Went to see the new infertility specialist today and we really liked him...even if his office is 40 miles away.

But this will be just a quick update because I am feeling a little blue....

The first thing is he doesn't think there is anything majorly wrong with me...heck, he doesn't even think I should do the Prednisone or Lovenox this time.

The second thing is we will have our chromosomal tests back. In three weeks.

Third thing is, I still have high hCG levels, which means I have to go back next week for a blood test.

So mainly it means a lot of sitting around waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

August is our one year anniversary of trying to conceive. One thing I have learned? I hate waiting now more than ever.

"THE"

I realize now it is "It's THE Hard Knock Life"...I am still feeling it.

It's a Hard Knock Life

I'm sitting here, listening to the soundtrack from Annie and crying. Yes, this is my life in these dark days - I just love to torture myself with schmaltzy musicals about orphans.

OMG I can't listen to "Sandy" or "Dumb Dog" or "Tomorrow" come to think of it! But, with Ellie my grumpy queen bee pup with a sore bum I am feeling particularly sorry for dogs at the moment.

I am not a musical's person by any stretch of the imagination, but for some reason I love this one. I think it has to do with creating complicated song-and-dance routines to "It's a Hard-Knock Life" as a child. But, the songs are just heartbreaking and hilarious all at once. And sometimes it feels good to bawl about something daft.

Let's get back to biz and some good things...Don't want to depress the readers.

1. I have been getting some amazing responses from the blog which buoys me up no end.

2. I have a new doc. Granted he is out in Thousand Oaks but he is supposed to be nice, kind and efficient - what woman in this position doesn't want that?

3. I am signed up for hypnotherapy close to my new doc's. If nothing, it'll relax me before hand.

4. I have discovered a fabulous blog or two and urge you to read them if you feel up to it - the first is http://makingbabies.ie/wordpress/ with the wonderful Fiona...she is a brilliant writer and I love that she never gave up. The other is www.alittlepregnant.com - another funny writer.

And from the inimitable words of It's a Hard Knock Life (this could have written for us infertiles!):

Don't if feel like the wind is always howl'n?
Don't it seem like there's never any light!
Once a day, don't you wanna throw the towel in?
It's easier than puttin' up a fight.

But look what happened to Annie - she was alright? Right?

With a Little Help

Monday morning. Two pretty crummy words for most people. For me it is another day closer to seeing my new doctor.

Yep, Z and I have decided to shift gears and go to a new doc, so let's see how this one works out for us.

Apart from that, it has been an up and down weekend. I have had a very nasty headache because of the huge drop in hormones from the miscarriage. I was told it wasn't the drop in progesterone I was taking, but the change in the estrogen. Whatever it was, I felt like crap.

Then there is the much worse part, the emotional pain. Everywhere I go, I feel like I am faced with an assault course of pregnant women. They are absolutely everywhere, popping up in the unlikeliest of places. I wish sometimes I did PR for a truck company, but it would be just my luck to end up with the account for baby seats for big rigs.

We are lucky that we have good friends. Yesterday I met with my friend English Marg. She and her mum were hosting a brunch which was yummy and fun. Her mum was in from home and it was lovely to hear a mum voice and see a mum-like person.

Saturday we had dinner with friends again, though it is a little bit tougher when they have kids. In fact, I feel like crying when I hear about the sleep patterns, the play dates and all the rest.

And Sunday we had dinner with other friends and I kept them entertained with my stand-up routine. At least, that's how it feels to me. Plus, the Laker's won so woo hoo!

But, as you can probably tell from the tone, it all feels a bit empty, a bit dead at the edges. I don't want to be out. I want to be home, changing diapers, reading stories, being exhausted. I don't want to be entertaining. I don't want to have to put makeup on to hide the bags.

But please, don't stop inviting me out, it's all I' ve got right now.

It's a Dark Matter

Car crashes are one thing. At least you get a payment out of a small one if you are lucky. This is like being in three car crashes over the space of nine months and getting nothing out of it except traffic school over and over again.

I woke up this morning and it literally felt like there was a black cave where my chest used to be. Yeah, yeah, I had read about that feeling, and I have experienced the sensation of a heavy weight on my chest, but this was something altogether new.

It felt like someone had ripped out my heart and chest cavity and replaced it with dark matter. It was scary. I am also starting to have deep dreams that end in me jerking awake wishing to be back asleep. Like the lottery dreams or exam dreams I spoke about before. Only these are more complicated and usually involve me having a baby.

Dr Z and I have talked it through and we think that our next step is to be IVF. He wants to go in "all guns blazing" as he put it. We got my doc's notes yesterday and looked at them. Besides the autoimmune stuff on my side, we look healthy enough. Mind you, what the hell do we know? But as one of my friends' said, when you get into this stuff, you become more than an expert. It is so depressing.

My biggest fear is getting on the infertility treadmill and never getting off. I am terrified of becoming one of those women. But I fear I already am.

It Gets Worse

So of course, the first day of our vacation had to be the day I have a miscarriage. Just figures. Our only ever vacation, no honeymoon, no nothing.

I go to the loo the morning after we arrive and there is blood. Then there is brown. Then there are multiple pregnancy tests to "keep myself pumped" as my friend Robyn says for the next 5 days. But, of course, at the end of it all, nothing.

Today I agonized until I went into the doc's office but there was nothing to be done. It was too late. Another quick turnaround.

Now, the doc is surprised. I've done all the meds, I'm injecting myself and STILL miscarriages. Looks like we are now into the dreaded IVF land. I don't want to do it.