Why Worry?

So I have been feeling a little bit bleh recently, like I said in my last post, I am sure it is something to do with the miscarriage and other related issues. But, Friday I passed out and whacked my head against a wall which DEFINITELY didn't add to the fun and games.

The trying again is proving to be not as much fun as I thought it was going to be...the first time it was like, "Wow, look at us two fabulous creatures! - Look how we procreated so well, so fast!" This time, I am feeling a bit more like it's a chore and a pain and I am not looking forward to my next period. I guess this is welcome to a million women's worlds. Like before, I feel like now I am extra cautious and am trying hard to be totally perfect in my life.

I am back on a WAY healthier diet (the miscarriage certainly brought out the sweet-loving monster in me), I am exercising almost every day, taking my supplements as usual and adding to them. I am meditating and of course, NOT drinking caffeine!

I am also trying to rest better, not stress and feed my mind with wonderful experiences.

This was my weekend:

The first was listening to Greg Mortensen, co-author of "Three Cups of Tea" - his book about building schools and educating girls in Northern Pakistan. This book is amazing, beautiful and heart-wrenching. 

I saw Mortensen at Santa Monica High School on Saturday, where he spoke for over an hour about his work with his organization - the Central Asia Institute - and about his Pennies for Peace Campaign - which he says shows you can make a difference with just the pennies hanging around at home. 

If you haven't already read the book please, please, please buy it. It is published by Penguin and costs $15.00.

The other fun things I did this weekend were:

1. Went to Casual Friday at The Disney Hall. So awesome to hear Tchaicovsky played by the LA Philharmonic.

2. Took part in a 10k race - the Redondo Beach Superbowl Sunday 10k. I am not saying what my time was because it was pitiful compared to my past triumphs of 42 and 48 and 52 minutes. Suffice to say it was much slower.

3. Saw my fabulous friends Madeline and Bob, not once, but twice! This was a rare treat for us. We had dinner with them at our house on Saturday and then they made us breakfast on Sunday because they live in Manhattan Beach. I love them so much and Bob kept us enthralled with stories about the universe and galaxies. Imagine spending breakfast talking about space?

So, my bleh-ness obviously is not as a result of my sad, lonely life because as you can see, my life is  full and fun. Maybe I just need to get out of this funk. I know I'm in one because I'm not even able to be funny. Not good. I am pretty sure it is because of a lack of dot.

More soon. When the funk has funked off.

Days Going By So Fast - Thank God For Fancy Food!

It feels like forever since I posted something. I don't know...so much has been going on and I am now nervous about trying again.

On top of that, I have been going through a very rough patch emotionally. I don't know if this is the result of the miscarriage and the fallout from that, coupled with the layoff etc. But, for whatever reason, I have been feeling a little funky. In fact, what am I talking about - of course it is! It has been a long, slow process for me to get over losing the dot. I am still very apprehensive about trying again. 

Rather than being nervous for the first three months, I am going to be worried sick for nine if we get pregnant again. I feel like I would want to retire to my bed for the duration! Of course this is ridiculous but, I think after a miscarriage, the relative carefree-ness of pregnancy is GONE.

Since we are now starting to think about trying again after my second period, I am probably feeling a little apprehensive about it. It is nerve-wracking to think about. That is why I think we were a bit lackluster after month one. While friends have jumped straight back into it, I think I felt too shocked to get back there straight away.

Luckily for me I have another diversion for the time being - and it's a good one! Working from home! Oh my, no-one ever told me work could be so great. I love being at home with the girls snoring at my feet and occasionally waking up for a butt scratch.

I love being able to wander over to my office in my sweats and just work! I wish I could lose weight from working because I swear, I would have lost 15 pounds by now! The weather is cool and lovely, there is a bunch of interesting stuff to read about my new biz which I am finding fascinating, and I am so happy to be back on the phone working again!

I went to the Fancy Foods Trade show two weekends' ago. So much fun. I always thought working in fashion or something "glamorous" would be the way I would go. I'm telling you, not on your nelly.

The food industry - particularly the natural food industry - is a total blast. Everyone has come from some teeny tiny idea they had in a garden shed and they are now like grown-up hippies who want to give back. I freakin' love it!

As for my biz well, Teeccino is an herbal coffee, an "alternative" that is super yummy and is good for you. It is my mission to see it mentioned whenever pregnancy, miscarriage, diabetes etc and food and drink choices are brought up. This stuff is magic. Go buy it. 

Or at least check out the Web site www.teeccino.com. More on the CEO and Founder Caroline MacDougall another time. Suffice to say, she is my step-mom-in-law and she is truly a fabulous person.

In fact, maybe I feel a bit better now. 

Back On The Horse

So this was supposed to be our official trying again period. Except there really hasn't been much trying. I don't know if it is the weather, general apathy or what. We just haven't been all that gung ho for trying this month.

The fabulous doctor C has told me to wait for two periods, but I don't want to, at all. My friend English Lucy didn't wait and I don't see why I should have to either. But, unlike the Christmas story, I guess we really do have to do something.

I got my period at long last which was great. I felt "normal" again after such a long and agonizing few weeks of feeling like a freak which sucked. I hated that I was either bleeding like a lunatic or nothing. Then, we realized that, to try again it would have to be the weekend that just passed.

On New Year's Eve we hosted. It would have been a lot of fun only Z  drank way over the top and felt more than rough the next day. He was writing off the whole day and repeating a mantra of: "I don't feel well" for most of the period when he was awake.

I, on the other hand, cleaned the house, threw away the bottles and packed our case for our "minimoon" in San Luis Obispo.

The Zaius was STILL sick the next day when we set off for the moon and I drove us all the way there. He kind of lay limply against the window looking as wan as a Victorian lady with a mild attack of the vapors.

We went to the Sycamore Hot Springs and recuperated by lying in our giant, sulphur-y-smelling hot-tub, eating and watching The Sopranos Season 5 on the lap top. Heaven. But not heaven enough to get it on much. We are definitely getting old.

Never mind, if our somewhat halfhearted attempts to Get Back On The Horse are not fruitful this month, we have noone to blame but ourselves. And wonderful Doctor C will be more than pleased.

The Grove Part II

I am continuing on my Grove-obsession vein because I want to write more about this place and the fact that I met my friend - Little Green - there the other night and it was for want of a better word, perfect.

I call her LG because 1, it is almost like her name and 2, it is the name of a Joni Mitchell song that I adore and 3, because JM gave up her daughter and regretted it forever and my LG didn't have the easiest life but is one of the most fantastic people I know.

So me and LG meet at the Farmer's Market. To go back a bit, I got to the FM earlier, because I like to look at the shops and browse - especially in the knick-knacky Anthropologie which is every woman harking back to yesteryear's special place.

Of course, I am standing there and suddenly the piped music striks up extra loud "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow!" And snow it does.

The Grove is a shopping Mall which is outdoors - like a fake street. Like a Disney idea of what a street in England would be like, with smoking and alcohol. Everything is a little bit jumbled up (on purpose of course), parking is discreetly hidden from view, there is the aforementioned piped music as well as a fountain which whizzes around in time to the music. It is a shopper's paradise and I am crazy about it. Well, I am crazy about it some days.

So, here I am enjoying the bizarre spectacle of snow on a warm, December evening with a fountain going nuts to Christmas tunes and of course the irony of LA kids seeing their first "snow" a a shopping center and I suddenly get hit with the massive realization that it is Christmas time and I haven't got a dot.

My period still hasn't arrived and I feel like the whole dot part of my life was just a dream. The no-show period is making me feel barren and horrible. I can't believe I was supposed to be four months pregnant by now. These feelings give way to deeper-held sadnesses connected with Christmas. I am so glad I can ignore them now in some ways by not celebrating this melancholy holiday. I realize it is the absence of what this time is supposed to be about that makes us feel all the worse when it comes around.

Luckily for me, as I standing, surrounded by fake snow and little kids and pregnant mommies and feeling lost and lonely and plunged into darkness my Little Green calls and says: "I'm here!"

Thank the lord! I rush to her and she is, of course, in the sticker shop being kind and thoughtful and as delicious as ever. We get stuck into our favorite Balinese food and chat and crack up.

But the best bit for me was when we were walking with the thin mommies, bemoaning the fact that we are collectively 30 pounds heavier than we were a year ago, LG says: "I don't know about you, but I'm still hungry". I love her.  

Shopping takes a toll

So yesterday I did the fastest holiday shopping in living history. I ran to The Grove and bought things for my nephew and nieces.

The reason why I did it so fast was because, even though I am totally fine with the physical aspect of the miscarriage, seeing pregnant women, little kids having fun and people merrily running around with their families still reminds me of the big hole left in my life after dot went away.

I cannot believe how many women are pregnant since I had the miscarriage. They are everywhere. I guess it is the same sensation that I had after my dad died. You see a walk, a piece of clothing and whumph! there is dad. It is a strange, sickly deja vu sensation that does not feel good on the comedown. A bit like the dreams where you've passed your exams or won the lottery, only to wake up and realize the exams start today and you still have debt up to your eyeballs.

But, like everything, the hole is slowly closing and each time I see a pregnant woman while it feels not great and it makes me sad, it is nothing compared to the way it felt a month ago. I have stopped counting the days I haven't been pregnant and I have stopped feeling such a failure. Like my poor, cut thumb, I am starting to heal.

I ran into the Grove and of course had to go to American Girl Place. Oh my, I can't imagine what I would have been like as I child if that store had existed, and in England.

Girls can go in, buy a $100 doll that looks just like them and literally all the acoutrement of life for that doll. Including a doll for the doll that looks just like the doll. Confused? In addition, your own daughter can have clothes that look exactly like the doll's. I love this store and, in addition, it is a marketer's dream.

Check up

So this afternoon is my final check up after the miscarriage and the D&C.

The bleeding has stopped, finally, after about a month. At one point I thought it was never going to end, but it did, and I am glad.

I have to say, one of the weirdest things about not being pregnant is realizing how weird you feel when you are.

I am back to "normal" now. I don't have that hangover-without-being-drunk feeling, or the rolling-around-on-a-ship feeling. It actually feels good (I feel guilty saying this) to feel normal again. But, being pregnant is really hard work. It looks so nice and yes, the hormones definitely buoy you up to get through it but, my God, it is difficult to carry on your normal life while you feel like you are wearing someone else's glasses and the world is tilting in all kinds of directions.

Today I will go and see the lovely Dr. C and get the all-clear. I am actually looking forward to seeing her. Being home alone all day you realize how much you appreciate people and conversation. But I wouldn't swap it right now for work and a ton of conversation to be honest.

After this I am hoping that Z and I can get "back on the horse" as we keep calling it. So me and Mr.Ed will be trying again as soon as possible - watch this space.

Giving Thanks Etc.

So another Thanksgiving has passed and gone. I think I am getting in the swing of this now...Summer, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas. 

Either way I am eating way to much.

So, the big day of Turkey actually turned into something of a marathon of eating. We spent the time with our family up in Santa Barbara and had thanksgiving with people we didn't actually know. The family we stay with don't actually eat meat. They eat fish, just not meat. So, we ended up eating the turkey with some friends of theirs. Food was fabulous.

As a Brit, the whole idea of Thanksgiving is something like Harvest Festival a pagan rite turned Christian that takes place in the UK. But, the difference is HF is spent at church, bringing boxes of food to the poor and putting them at the altar or wherever and saying thank you for having food in first place. I remember we used to sing hymns like: "We plough the fields and scatter..." which, when I read it like that sounds like we plough (US version plow) the fields  and then run off. Ha ha.

So TG is so much more fun. It is very similar to an British Christmas without the presents. Turkey, gravy, sleeping, movies on TV - lovely. If we had it in Britain it would be something like a rehearsal Christmas. 

Of course, I realize there is much more significance to TG than just turkey, as there is Christmas than just turkey - and gifts - but I think we all know what is the fun part.

Now I am Jewish I look forward to Hannukah which means just one gift and lighting the pretty candles for eight nights. To say that I have relief over not having to stress about Christmas now is the understatement of the year. This year, we plan to spend the time quietly - the Jewish way - watching a movie then, if we can find a restaurant open, having dinner. 

Of course, I am being facetious, but it is something interesting to ponder over - growing up with one set of holidays - Easter, Whitsuntide, Harvest Festival, Christmas, to exchange them for another - Purim, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah is a very interesting way to live your life.