Operation Uterus

Tomorrow I am going in for a hysteroscopy - the first step on the way to babydom. Nil by mouth as of 12am, then in I go for the cleaning and freshening of my uterus.

The clean, fresh landing pad will be ready for the E+Z mix and, with a bit of luck and some extra spices - Predisone, Lovonox, folic acid, baby aspirin, a spot of progesterone and estrogen, and the trusty prenatal vitamins. 

There will be a general anesthetic involved so I expect to feel a bit wonky afterwards but lucky for me my new English friend Marg is coming to hang out and eat, drink cups of tea and watch trashy telly with me afterwards.  I hope she doesn't mind The Real Housewives of New York - go Jill! 

Holy crap - I just realized - Marg is English and she might bring me grapes. The Brits will get this one...I hate grapes. Better call her in the morning.

New News On my Uterus

So Zaius and I are in for a penny - a pretty penny at that, which could mean we are in for a pound - and hopefully more than a few pounds of baby.

I hope that was sufficiently opaque a beginning for you this week. I like to start out strange and rush to the end - says a lot about me and my life, right?

Well, to make things slightly more clear, here is where we are up to on the baby path. Z and I wen today to see famous Dr B the baby wonder-doc and he spelled out the situation and the recipe for baking a full-term bun in the oven.

First off, I have a hysteroscopy. I am starting to see a link between women and words beginning in hyster...no wonder we lose it. That means clearing up the polyps, or whatever is making my uterus unfriendly to pregnancies. This operation also means being knocked out and cleaned out to create a lovely, fresh, clean environment for any potential babies. Think of it as making the bed after more weeks than you care to mention and then getting in it and falling straight to sleep. Though, I am sure that doesn't help.

Following the hystericaloscopy, which I am hoping will take place this week, I then have large doses of Estrogen and Progesterone that will see me up to my cycle. Then, I start on Lovanox in case my blood needs to be thinned (think shots into any one of my fatty areas - I get to choose!); pills - Prednisone - twice a day;  Folic Acid; baby aspirin and last, but not least, prenatal vitamins.  

At some point in all this shenanagins we will be told - yes, told - when we can have sex. What a romantic date that will be!

But, with a hope, a prayer and all the other ingredients, we may finally, finally, have a baby!

What The Doctor Saw

I know it has been a long time since I posted, but now I am back with more miscarriage high jinx to keep you entertained and enthralled!

So, I went to see Dr. B - my new miscarriage doctor. I was there to have a saline histogram and yes, it is was as horrible as it sounds - but just for a second or two. Now, I don't want to scare anyone out there because it isn't THAT bad, but it wasn't exactly a relaxing stroll around the park. Unless strolls around the park that you take involve having liquid injected into your uterus. And if they do, I strongly suggest you take a different route.

The saline histogram will show if there are any irregularities in the uterus that may be preventing a pregnancy from taking place. It involves a catheter being inserted (think the fun of a PAP smear and more) and liquid being placed inside. The doctor then gets to see the theater of the uterus in all its glory.

So, I start the day badly. For some reason, I always think my appointments, no matter where, are at 12.30 p.m. This obviously isn't so. I turn up, bright and, in this case, three hours early, to be told that my appointment is actually at 3.30pm. I return on time. 

The offices of Dr. B are very sweet, a little house really. You go in the front door and are faced with comfy chairs and sofas in what was probably the entrance hall once-upon-a-time. Sometimes I have to be brave faced with all the babies running around but, if I remind myself that most women who come to see Dr B were once in my position, it gives me a lot of hope. Seriously, this is the baby capital of Beverly Hills. 

Pictures of tired women with newborns adorn the walls, images of cherubs with Thank you! are everywhere, there are Happy Holiday cards plastered with photos of little kids all over the place. At one point I thought "wow, that same woman has had a LOT of children", until I realized (yes I get a bit dazed) that is was Dr B's partner doctor in the practice, in photos just seconds after the birth taken by grateful parents.

I eventually get called into the little room with the stirrups - why do the seats never seem big enough for my backside? And I am told to strip from the waist down which I dutifully do, though there is no cover for me. When Dr. B finally comes in is mortified when he sees me tugging my T-shirt and immediately gets me a paper cover. I am more embarrassed by my ugly, broken toe nails that constantly get wrecked because of my running. 

So, the histogram begins with the lovely clamp - the same one they use in the PAP smear. Then the catheter is inserted, not fun at all, and the liquid injected - really not fun. It was like having induced period pain. The nurse kept telling me "breathe, BREATHE" as I sucked everything upwards. I think I was close to not ever breathing again at one point as well as almost levitating off the bed to stop the sensation.

Anyway, once all the liquid was in place, Dr B gives me an internal ultrasound and the photos come rolling off the machine.

As soon as that is done everyone packs up and ships out and I am putting the clothes back on. (But I did check my weight - down eight pounds! Yay!)

I go back to Dr B's office and he has my test results from the armful of blood they took the week before. Hot off the press and with lots of interesting info. It turns out my autoimmune system is too strong and keeps expelling the Zaius part of the pregnancy. It sees my husband as a "foreign body" and keeps getting rid of the pregnancies! In addition, the saline hiss-togram (as it will be forever more known) showed some polyps on the uterus. Thank God I can be knocked out to get rid of those bad boys.

So now we know. I am so damned healthy I can't keep a baby! The bad news for this vain writer, is going on Prednisone - a steroid. I can't bear the idea of weight gain. Which is stupid since I will be pregnant anyway. Who says we have to have logic?

The surgery will be taking place next week....keep your eyes peeled for more adventures. I just REALLY hope the appointment is at 12.30p.m.

Very Quickly and More Later

These are the two names I will give my children. Just kidding.

No, I wanted to say another huge thank you to everyone who is following Life Lines. I am buoyed up by your support, kindness and confidence in me, not only as a person, but as a prospective mother.

Becky, thanks with all my heart for your recent email - I want to frame it!

As you know, LA is just a plane ride (or two) away. You are always welcome here no matter how many people, kids or dogs are filling up the house.

As a last note I want to say that I am sitting here with the window open because it is so warm. It is February and I can still never get used to this. The trees are bare but they are beginning to ever-so-slightly bud. I think I know how they feel.

Tell it to my heart

So dot # 2 was just a couple of weeks' old but still, you know. It was what they call a "chemical pregnancy". That means the recipe is all correct, but the souffle doesn't rise.

This time around I did things a little differently. Z and I didn't get too excited and I tried really hard not to think about it. The only difference was my obsessive peeing on the stick. I will NEVER do that again. My heart can never take the obsessive checking of light/dark is it/isnt it. Now I know why they make them so you can tell five days in advance - so you buy a million of them! 

Another thing I did differently, and thank God I did, was to tell my good friends. These consist of:

Robyn - my sweet heart and great help in all this - she is a fellow miscarriage sufferer (survivor?) who made damned sure she got the best baby in the world, Sethy, who I just LOVE.

Betsie - fabulous beauty and nurse and all-round amazing friend.

Lucy - my angelic English Rose friend who went through a miscarriage before her mini-me Ella came into the world. 

These three women have made it possible to keep going forward. In addition to everyone else - including my online friend Lisa who is just a doll and my other fantastic girlfriends in the US and the UK - you know who you are (Charlotte, I love you and Ands, my "sis").

The chemical pregnancy has not been anywhere near as hard as the last one. Mainly because Robyn has provided me with a great set of tools to help me get through. The first was a great therapist who has made it easier for me to see a light at the end of the tunnel. The other was Dr. Bob, the famous Bev Hills doc who gets ladies the right mix to keep them pregnant.

When I saw him yesterday he said the words I wanted to hear: "You will have a baby" and "In two weeks' time we will have a game plan". Keep your fingers crossed that we hear the pitter patter (or, if it is anything like momma and poppa) the boom boom of tiny/huge feet in a little while.

 

Does it ever get any better?

Wow, I don't know where to start. I guess this will also be a short post because I am pretty exhausted.

So, I thought I was pregnant again. Well, I was pregnant again. The bloody early pregnancy test told me I was. I tried not to get excited. I put away the books, I stayed calm, I ate right, I drank water and slept eight hours.

Only, before it had time to start, it stopped.

I had positive tests from last week until today. A light line, a darker line, a dark line! Yay! And then hmm am I getting obsessive here? I did another test, just to be sure and it was lighter. I have become addicted to web sites about miscarriage now. And they say - a line is a line.

So then I did another one today. Okay, I am TOTALLY obsessive. I justified it in thinking that it is President's Day and my Ob-Gyn office is closed. It was a big blank. No line, nothing. So of course, rather than sit down and do nothing, I get straight in the car and go for the digital.

This bad boy tells you whether you are "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" - the actual words light up on a little screen. Guess which one I am.

Tomorrow, I am going for confirmation. In protest I had a beef sandwich and fries at the Deli.

Sod the healthy diet for tonight.

New Year, New Me (in February)

So welcome to my world of trying again Part II. The new, improved me.

I am definitely feeling the funk lift and I am now back on the horse in a big way. Obviously it took me a couple of months to recover and now life is moving full-steam towards trying again.

As I said last time, this does not come without a HUGE dose of reality, caution and doing all the right things.

First off, getting health(ier).

I had a check up with doc about whacking my head and all is good. All I really need to do is shed 10-20 lbs and I will be a happy girl.

I plan to visit a new therapist to talk about fertility, losing dot and the rest.

I am starting acupuncture again.

Exercise. While I am a runner by nature, I am having to vary it a bit. I am going back to the gym for weights (ugh! not a fan of the gym!) Obviously, the girls and hiking is way more my cup of tea. 

Supplements. I am taking my pre-natals, calcium and magnesium.

Sleep. I am trying to get a full night's rest - not easy but trying!

Fluids. I am drinking a ton of water, Teeccino (of course for the potassium and because caffeine is a no no) and herbal teas.

Brain. Reading up and working on herbal coffee is keeping me fascinated and informed at the same time. I am learning so much. I love this part of my job. I also love discovering a whole world of new publications to approach. I am currently ploughing my way through a ton of magazines. 

Friends. I am making a more concerted effort to connect with friends since the dot went away. 

All in all, new year's resolutions came in February. Not too bad!