Very Quickly and More Later

These are the two names I will give my children. Just kidding.

No, I wanted to say another huge thank you to everyone who is following Life Lines. I am buoyed up by your support, kindness and confidence in me, not only as a person, but as a prospective mother.

Becky, thanks with all my heart for your recent email - I want to frame it!

As you know, LA is just a plane ride (or two) away. You are always welcome here no matter how many people, kids or dogs are filling up the house.

As a last note I want to say that I am sitting here with the window open because it is so warm. It is February and I can still never get used to this. The trees are bare but they are beginning to ever-so-slightly bud. I think I know how they feel.

Tell it to my heart

So dot # 2 was just a couple of weeks' old but still, you know. It was what they call a "chemical pregnancy". That means the recipe is all correct, but the souffle doesn't rise.

This time around I did things a little differently. Z and I didn't get too excited and I tried really hard not to think about it. The only difference was my obsessive peeing on the stick. I will NEVER do that again. My heart can never take the obsessive checking of light/dark is it/isnt it. Now I know why they make them so you can tell five days in advance - so you buy a million of them! 

Another thing I did differently, and thank God I did, was to tell my good friends. These consist of:

Robyn - my sweet heart and great help in all this - she is a fellow miscarriage sufferer (survivor?) who made damned sure she got the best baby in the world, Sethy, who I just LOVE.

Betsie - fabulous beauty and nurse and all-round amazing friend.

Lucy - my angelic English Rose friend who went through a miscarriage before her mini-me Ella came into the world. 

These three women have made it possible to keep going forward. In addition to everyone else - including my online friend Lisa who is just a doll and my other fantastic girlfriends in the US and the UK - you know who you are (Charlotte, I love you and Ands, my "sis").

The chemical pregnancy has not been anywhere near as hard as the last one. Mainly because Robyn has provided me with a great set of tools to help me get through. The first was a great therapist who has made it easier for me to see a light at the end of the tunnel. The other was Dr. Bob, the famous Bev Hills doc who gets ladies the right mix to keep them pregnant.

When I saw him yesterday he said the words I wanted to hear: "You will have a baby" and "In two weeks' time we will have a game plan". Keep your fingers crossed that we hear the pitter patter (or, if it is anything like momma and poppa) the boom boom of tiny/huge feet in a little while.

 

Does it ever get any better?

Wow, I don't know where to start. I guess this will also be a short post because I am pretty exhausted.

So, I thought I was pregnant again. Well, I was pregnant again. The bloody early pregnancy test told me I was. I tried not to get excited. I put away the books, I stayed calm, I ate right, I drank water and slept eight hours.

Only, before it had time to start, it stopped.

I had positive tests from last week until today. A light line, a darker line, a dark line! Yay! And then hmm am I getting obsessive here? I did another test, just to be sure and it was lighter. I have become addicted to web sites about miscarriage now. And they say - a line is a line.

So then I did another one today. Okay, I am TOTALLY obsessive. I justified it in thinking that it is President's Day and my Ob-Gyn office is closed. It was a big blank. No line, nothing. So of course, rather than sit down and do nothing, I get straight in the car and go for the digital.

This bad boy tells you whether you are "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" - the actual words light up on a little screen. Guess which one I am.

Tomorrow, I am going for confirmation. In protest I had a beef sandwich and fries at the Deli.

Sod the healthy diet for tonight.

New Year, New Me (in February)

So welcome to my world of trying again Part II. The new, improved me.

I am definitely feeling the funk lift and I am now back on the horse in a big way. Obviously it took me a couple of months to recover and now life is moving full-steam towards trying again.

As I said last time, this does not come without a HUGE dose of reality, caution and doing all the right things.

First off, getting health(ier).

I had a check up with doc about whacking my head and all is good. All I really need to do is shed 10-20 lbs and I will be a happy girl.

I plan to visit a new therapist to talk about fertility, losing dot and the rest.

I am starting acupuncture again.

Exercise. While I am a runner by nature, I am having to vary it a bit. I am going back to the gym for weights (ugh! not a fan of the gym!) Obviously, the girls and hiking is way more my cup of tea. 

Supplements. I am taking my pre-natals, calcium and magnesium.

Sleep. I am trying to get a full night's rest - not easy but trying!

Fluids. I am drinking a ton of water, Teeccino (of course for the potassium and because caffeine is a no no) and herbal teas.

Brain. Reading up and working on herbal coffee is keeping me fascinated and informed at the same time. I am learning so much. I love this part of my job. I also love discovering a whole world of new publications to approach. I am currently ploughing my way through a ton of magazines. 

Friends. I am making a more concerted effort to connect with friends since the dot went away. 

All in all, new year's resolutions came in February. Not too bad!

Why Worry?

So I have been feeling a little bit bleh recently, like I said in my last post, I am sure it is something to do with the miscarriage and other related issues. But, Friday I passed out and whacked my head against a wall which DEFINITELY didn't add to the fun and games.

The trying again is proving to be not as much fun as I thought it was going to be...the first time it was like, "Wow, look at us two fabulous creatures! - Look how we procreated so well, so fast!" This time, I am feeling a bit more like it's a chore and a pain and I am not looking forward to my next period. I guess this is welcome to a million women's worlds. Like before, I feel like now I am extra cautious and am trying hard to be totally perfect in my life.

I am back on a WAY healthier diet (the miscarriage certainly brought out the sweet-loving monster in me), I am exercising almost every day, taking my supplements as usual and adding to them. I am meditating and of course, NOT drinking caffeine!

I am also trying to rest better, not stress and feed my mind with wonderful experiences.

This was my weekend:

The first was listening to Greg Mortensen, co-author of "Three Cups of Tea" - his book about building schools and educating girls in Northern Pakistan. This book is amazing, beautiful and heart-wrenching. 

I saw Mortensen at Santa Monica High School on Saturday, where he spoke for over an hour about his work with his organization - the Central Asia Institute - and about his Pennies for Peace Campaign - which he says shows you can make a difference with just the pennies hanging around at home. 

If you haven't already read the book please, please, please buy it. It is published by Penguin and costs $15.00.

The other fun things I did this weekend were:

1. Went to Casual Friday at The Disney Hall. So awesome to hear Tchaicovsky played by the LA Philharmonic.

2. Took part in a 10k race - the Redondo Beach Superbowl Sunday 10k. I am not saying what my time was because it was pitiful compared to my past triumphs of 42 and 48 and 52 minutes. Suffice to say it was much slower.

3. Saw my fabulous friends Madeline and Bob, not once, but twice! This was a rare treat for us. We had dinner with them at our house on Saturday and then they made us breakfast on Sunday because they live in Manhattan Beach. I love them so much and Bob kept us enthralled with stories about the universe and galaxies. Imagine spending breakfast talking about space?

So, my bleh-ness obviously is not as a result of my sad, lonely life because as you can see, my life is  full and fun. Maybe I just need to get out of this funk. I know I'm in one because I'm not even able to be funny. Not good. I am pretty sure it is because of a lack of dot.

More soon. When the funk has funked off.