Monday, December 7, 2009

Raining in my heart

I am sitting at my desk and watching the grey blur that passes for the outside and thinking a lot.

The first thing I'm thinking is who says LA doesn't have seasons? But the second thing is a bit more serious I suppose.

Since Dr. Z and I decided to adopt I feel there is a better sense of calm descended upon Casa di Isenberg. We are kind of getting into the sad groove of his unemployment and I am trying not to nag to much about his current status.

The PR is going great and I like my work, but the reality is, I feel there is a hole in my heart where a baby should be.

I feel a little like the work, the socializing, the cleaning, the whatever it is, is just window dressing, busy work until the babe comes along.

There is an element of unreality to life while we are in this holding pattern. There is a certain need for me to cling on to my routine while the clock slowly ticks and the days slowly pass.
I'm like a cave with a dark and gloomy inside with the light, shiny world above as my face and my voice.

I have to get together the two elements - the light and shiny outer world and burrow in. I know it and so does Dr. Z because he sees me with my head on the kitchen table making the marble wet. But it is so, so hard.

So I guess I am loving the grey blur outside because for once, LA is exactly how I am feeling.

5 comments:

Verdesita said...

you are beautiful for always sharing yourself

madeline40 said...

We should have gotten together and commiserated over the gray blur together.
Hope the sunshine brings more joy to you this week. xoxo

Tom Bailey said...

You have an inspiring blog and your story is a powerful read.

Kindest regards,
Tom Bailey

Lisa said...

Yes, what Verdesita said. Just checking in to see how you're doing.

Anonymous said...

As someone staring at the possibilities of infertility, I found your blog wonderfully well written and humorous and I read the whole thing from start to finish in a morning. I have no idea how to move forward if the possibility of never being able to conceive becomes real. But I thank you for being open and not giving into the idea it's a dirty secret. If only more people could.