Thursday, August 13, 2009

Too much to handle

Why does it never rain? I feel like the world is currently pissing bad luck all over my fertility.
As you know, Tuesday I went up to the docs and my HCG levels were funky funky - up to 600 after being down to 15.
So they gave me a shot of Methotrexate. This stuff is normally given to women who have eptopic pregnancies but, because they felt there was placental tissue running around inside me, they thought it best to use the drug to break down whatever was going on.
What I didn't know was that we can't even think about trying to get pregnant again until December. That will make me just 6 months away from 37 and this feels like a weird backwards move that will ultimately land us nowhere.
I can't help feeling that I am moving further and further away. At first it was "just a miscarriage", then it was "just a chemical pregnancy". Then, there were the fibroids. Get rid of them and it will be okay. We do that. Then it is the drugs, the pills and the progesterone. Just another miscarriage. Now there is tissue and we have to wait until the drugs comes through my system.

Another bleeding has started and, apparently, this is the second part of the miscarriage. So my period won't even be back for another two months, according to the doc's office.

Today, I just want to lie down and cry. I feel my chances are getting slimmer by the day.


Anonymous said...

hi hun, you sound like you are really going through it at the moment, I am thinking of you and although i don't pray (ooops, just had a typo-prat not pray) i am sending you good vibes across the big pond.
and just to say about the age thing.... i know its on your mind but there are people who do have babies naturally in their thirties and forties and YOU WILL BE ONE (thirties) i feel it in my bones!! Just to say a friend has had a baby very recently at 39 and she had several miscarriages too before this one popped out!!!
love you and thinking about you, take care of your self and don't sneeze when you are having acupuncture!!! Den

madeline40 said...

What can I say? I'm so sorry you're in such pain. But, don't give up. I agree with anonymous. You will prevail.
I love you. Madeline