Monday, November 17, 2008

Back on the Proverbial

Back at work and feeling wonky. So, I didn't finish my post last night.

Basically, the excitement, the sickness, the wedding, telling was all in motion and then, of course, the inevitable happened.

Z and I and my mum arrived at Cedars for the check up. I should have been 10 weeks and mum was the only one who knew about the dot. She was left in the waiting room ready to come in and see the scan and the heartbeat and her soon-to-newest grandchild on the monitor.

And then the first thud hit. "I can't see anything on the ultrasound, but that's normal, we'll have to do an internal ultrasound,". I looked at the room, the equipment, the calendars, the weird acoutrement of the OBGYN office - why so many clips with magnets on with adverts of unpronounceable medicines? I suddenly had the chill that maybe something wasn't right. Next thing came the internal ultrasound. There was the triangle of my uterus in the darkened room. This is the only time I feel like the doctor's can be called a "Theater" the lights are dimmed, everything is hushed and faces are intent on the fuzzy screen. Then, the second thud: "This isn't a 10-week fetus" said the doctor. And of course it wasn't. No life, just a dead dot. A dead white blob on the screen. The heartbeat clearly not visible. I was just stunned.

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