I woke up this morning and it literally felt like there was a black cave where my chest used to be. Yeah, yeah, I had read about that feeling, and I have experienced the sensation of a heavy weight on my chest, but this was something altogether new.
It felt like someone had ripped out my heart and chest cavity and replaced it with dark matter. It was scary. I am also starting to have deep dreams that end in me jerking awake wishing to be back asleep. Like the lottery dreams or exam dreams I spoke about before. Only these are more complicated and usually involve me having a baby.
Dr Z and I have talked it through and we think that our next step is to be IVF. He wants to go in "all guns blazing" as he put it. We got my doc's notes yesterday and looked at them. Besides the autoimmune stuff on my side, we look healthy enough. Mind you, what the hell do we know? But as one of my friends' said, when you get into this stuff, you become more than an expert. It is so depressing.
My biggest fear is getting on the infertility treadmill and never getting off. I am terrified of becoming one of those women. But I fear I already am.