Friday, June 12, 2009

It's a Dark Matter

Car crashes are one thing. At least you get a payment out of a small one if you are lucky. This is like being in three car crashes over the space of nine months and getting nothing out of it except traffic school over and over again.

I woke up this morning and it literally felt like there was a black cave where my chest used to be. Yeah, yeah, I had read about that feeling, and I have experienced the sensation of a heavy weight on my chest, but this was something altogether new.

It felt like someone had ripped out my heart and chest cavity and replaced it with dark matter. It was scary. I am also starting to have deep dreams that end in me jerking awake wishing to be back asleep. Like the lottery dreams or exam dreams I spoke about before. Only these are more complicated and usually involve me having a baby.

Dr Z and I have talked it through and we think that our next step is to be IVF. He wants to go in "all guns blazing" as he put it. We got my doc's notes yesterday and looked at them. Besides the autoimmune stuff on my side, we look healthy enough. Mind you, what the hell do we know? But as one of my friends' said, when you get into this stuff, you become more than an expert. It is so depressing.

My biggest fear is getting on the infertility treadmill and never getting off. I am terrified of becoming one of those women. But I fear I already am.


Fiona said...

I am so sorry to hear you have lost your baby. It is inexplicably horrible, I remember the darkness and the dread for the future.

Why has your doc suggested IVF when you conceive on your own? Has your doc identified a specific autoimmune disorder?

Glad to hear you are getting straight back on the horse. It is so hard but it was always the only way I could deal with it.

Hope you are taking it easy and finding some way to cope.

Elizabeth said...

Thanks so much Fiona, it is so wonderful to have friends everywhere.
I am just in that weird Sisyphusian (if that is a word) place, where I feel I have to start rolling the huge boulder up the hill again and wondering if I have the strength.
But you know what, us infertiles always find the strength!

Elizabeth said...

As for the IVF, we are just assuming that as a next step...we haven't discussed it with the RE yet. I just don't know what else we can do after the last m/c with all the drugs etc and it STILL didn't work....
P.S congratulations ; ))) I see you are preggo!

madeline40 said...

Since you haven't returned my email or phone call, I'll try here. Darling, I'm sad for you. I know how excited you were just a few weeks ago.

Please know that I am here for you.

I love you so much and want to do anything I can to make you feel better.

And, of course the best thing is what you're doing -- going on the IVF route. There are a lot of success stories there.