What's Up, Doc?

Went to see the new infertility specialist today and we really liked him...even if his office is 40 miles away.

But this will be just a quick update because I am feeling a little blue....

The first thing is he doesn't think there is anything majorly wrong with me...heck, he doesn't even think I should do the Prednisone or Lovenox this time.

The second thing is we will have our chromosomal tests back. In three weeks.

Third thing is, I still have high hCG levels, which means I have to go back next week for a blood test.

So mainly it means a lot of sitting around waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

August is our one year anniversary of trying to conceive. One thing I have learned? I hate waiting now more than ever.

"THE"

I realize now it is "It's THE Hard Knock Life"...I am still feeling it.

It's a Hard Knock Life

I'm sitting here, listening to the soundtrack from Annie and crying. Yes, this is my life in these dark days - I just love to torture myself with schmaltzy musicals about orphans.

OMG I can't listen to "Sandy" or "Dumb Dog" or "Tomorrow" come to think of it! But, with Ellie my grumpy queen bee pup with a sore bum I am feeling particularly sorry for dogs at the moment.

I am not a musical's person by any stretch of the imagination, but for some reason I love this one. I think it has to do with creating complicated song-and-dance routines to "It's a Hard-Knock Life" as a child. But, the songs are just heartbreaking and hilarious all at once. And sometimes it feels good to bawl about something daft.

Let's get back to biz and some good things...Don't want to depress the readers.

1. I have been getting some amazing responses from the blog which buoys me up no end.

2. I have a new doc. Granted he is out in Thousand Oaks but he is supposed to be nice, kind and efficient - what woman in this position doesn't want that?

3. I am signed up for hypnotherapy close to my new doc's. If nothing, it'll relax me before hand.

4. I have discovered a fabulous blog or two and urge you to read them if you feel up to it - the first is http://makingbabies.ie/wordpress/ with the wonderful Fiona...she is a brilliant writer and I love that she never gave up. The other is www.alittlepregnant.com - another funny writer.

And from the inimitable words of It's a Hard Knock Life (this could have written for us infertiles!):

Don't if feel like the wind is always howl'n?
Don't it seem like there's never any light!
Once a day, don't you wanna throw the towel in?
It's easier than puttin' up a fight.

But look what happened to Annie - she was alright? Right?

With a Little Help

Monday morning. Two pretty crummy words for most people. For me it is another day closer to seeing my new doctor.

Yep, Z and I have decided to shift gears and go to a new doc, so let's see how this one works out for us.

Apart from that, it has been an up and down weekend. I have had a very nasty headache because of the huge drop in hormones from the miscarriage. I was told it wasn't the drop in progesterone I was taking, but the change in the estrogen. Whatever it was, I felt like crap.

Then there is the much worse part, the emotional pain. Everywhere I go, I feel like I am faced with an assault course of pregnant women. They are absolutely everywhere, popping up in the unlikeliest of places. I wish sometimes I did PR for a truck company, but it would be just my luck to end up with the account for baby seats for big rigs.

We are lucky that we have good friends. Yesterday I met with my friend English Marg. She and her mum were hosting a brunch which was yummy and fun. Her mum was in from home and it was lovely to hear a mum voice and see a mum-like person.

Saturday we had dinner with friends again, though it is a little bit tougher when they have kids. In fact, I feel like crying when I hear about the sleep patterns, the play dates and all the rest.

And Sunday we had dinner with other friends and I kept them entertained with my stand-up routine. At least, that's how it feels to me. Plus, the Laker's won so woo hoo!

But, as you can probably tell from the tone, it all feels a bit empty, a bit dead at the edges. I don't want to be out. I want to be home, changing diapers, reading stories, being exhausted. I don't want to be entertaining. I don't want to have to put makeup on to hide the bags.

But please, don't stop inviting me out, it's all I' ve got right now.

It's a Dark Matter

Car crashes are one thing. At least you get a payment out of a small one if you are lucky. This is like being in three car crashes over the space of nine months and getting nothing out of it except traffic school over and over again.

I woke up this morning and it literally felt like there was a black cave where my chest used to be. Yeah, yeah, I had read about that feeling, and I have experienced the sensation of a heavy weight on my chest, but this was something altogether new.

It felt like someone had ripped out my heart and chest cavity and replaced it with dark matter. It was scary. I am also starting to have deep dreams that end in me jerking awake wishing to be back asleep. Like the lottery dreams or exam dreams I spoke about before. Only these are more complicated and usually involve me having a baby.

Dr Z and I have talked it through and we think that our next step is to be IVF. He wants to go in "all guns blazing" as he put it. We got my doc's notes yesterday and looked at them. Besides the autoimmune stuff on my side, we look healthy enough. Mind you, what the hell do we know? But as one of my friends' said, when you get into this stuff, you become more than an expert. It is so depressing.

My biggest fear is getting on the infertility treadmill and never getting off. I am terrified of becoming one of those women. But I fear I already am.

It Gets Worse

So of course, the first day of our vacation had to be the day I have a miscarriage. Just figures. Our only ever vacation, no honeymoon, no nothing.

I go to the loo the morning after we arrive and there is blood. Then there is brown. Then there are multiple pregnancy tests to "keep myself pumped" as my friend Robyn says for the next 5 days. But, of course, at the end of it all, nothing.

Today I agonized until I went into the doc's office but there was nothing to be done. It was too late. Another quick turnaround.

Now, the doc is surprised. I've done all the meds, I'm injecting myself and STILL miscarriages. Looks like we are now into the dreaded IVF land. I don't want to do it.

Let The Stress Begin

Okay, so I jumped the gun with the last post. And the Facebook and the phonecalls. Now I am starting to regret it. What if something goes wrong? What if I have to break the news to a whole slew of people who have congratulated me. Am I completely out of my mind?

The reason for the excess of happiness and early telling of just about everyone was the phone call with the beta numbers. The beta numbers are the level of pregnancy hormone (hCG) in the blood which is tested a number of times here when you have had miscarriages and the like before. These numbers are everything. 

First off, Doc B said my number was 11. Not too great. Especially since I had had the expensive shot of hCG in the butt two weeks' earlier and residual could have been in the system. So, two days' later I am back having blood taken to see if there has been a rise. Double is good. So we were hoping for a nice 22.

I wait all day Thursday, staring at the phone with laser beam eyes. I don't dare call the doc's office (I feel desperation leads to bad news) so I would much rather put my body through a whole slew of stress and pain that will ultimately end in a 50-50 chance of bad news. Makes sense.

So, finally I can't wait any longer. I crack and call up. The doctor's office is CLOSED. I start to freak out and call Dr. B on his cell phone (a good reason to have this doctor is his cell number). He hasn't been in the office all day. I put the phone down and burst into tears. I won't have the information on my level until tomorrow and by this point I am breaking down. God knows how women go through this for year after year. 

Anyway, in a desperate attempt to calm my frazzled nerves I drive to Blockbuster to pick up a couple of calming DVDs. I pick two that I know Z won't really be bothered about missing (of course he is working late) and I wander aimlessly staring at the boxes wondering "who the hell IS that person?" as I examine the covers.

As I am at the cashier, my phone rings. Dr B. "What medication are you on?" he asks. "Erm,  Lovenox, progesterone, prednisone, baby aspirin..."  I stutter thinking this is just a medical question for when we next meet. "Okay, stay on it. Your level is 49. You're pregnant" he says and with that, I screech at everyone in Blockbuster and burst into tears. Dr B had gone into the office for my results!!!! Gone back there for me!!! I was thrilled.

I immediately tell the lady behind the counter and fall out of the store crying uncontrollably.I cry past groups of people and just about make it into Starbucks for a calming hot chocolate. 

I try to call Z, phone off. I call my pregnancy-hell buddy Robyn and she is laughing her ass off as I cry.

I try and try and try Z. About 50 million times. I call all his work mates. I call work mates to call work mates. I eventually tell him via iChat when I get home.

So that's what happened. A good old case of getting carried away. And boy am I feeling it may have been too soon.

Next visit Tuesday at 12:15 p.m - I almost made the 12:30 appointment for old times' sake but I need to be in there early. Levels need to rise again - they must be in the 100s now. Keep EVERYTHING CROSSED.